Unchain the Brain

In week eight of the Shattering the Meme novena, we examine the meme of self-limitation.  No matter how much we may say we want change in our lives, we tend to cling white-knuckled to the comfort of the familiar, never realizing how much that is keeping us stuck.

Unconsciously, we believe that we are only allowed a certain measure of success and that anything else is presumptuous.  In our careers, this manifests as a holding back, no matter how unhappy or unfulfilled we might be.  After all, what would your boss think if you said you wanted to own the company one day?  How would a client react if you said at the start of the project that you wanted to have it published?  It is certainly a conditioned response, this self-limitation meme, but did you ever stop to think about what would happen if there were no big thinkers?  We might all still be living hunter-gatherer existences.  It is not presumptuous to think big, it is wasteful to limit yourself.

In our lives we have a total of four resources; time, energy, relationships and money.  Everything we need is acquired by spending one or more of them.  The money thing is pretty self-evident as we live in a cash based economy.  But what about the others?  Well, much as having money wouldn’t do you any good at all if you buried it in the ground and didn’t spend it, you have to spend your other resources in order to enjoy what they can bring into your life as well.  Notice that I said spend not squander and also realize that these four resources are interdependent.  To live at your highest potential you have to understand that these resources (in effect all that you have) must be leveraged by actively investing in the life and career you want to have.

Well, that didn’t work
Failure.  That would mean that we had squandered our big four resources, right?  Wrong.  We operate in such fear of failure that it is easy to forget that it is the only means to success.  Our brain shuts down around the idea of risk-taking, or we dream big, but only at a really fuzzy global level and don’t see how their are opportunities for action all around us that would set us on the path the realizing those dreams.  Part of unchaining your brain from that rock is to cultivate resilience.  Failure of a task or venture is not failure of you as a person.  It simply means that that particular thing did not work out.  You may even be on the right tack and just need to allow for a different variable.  Find out why what you tried didn’t work, make the necessary adjustments and try again.  Even something as big as losing a job or a client does not make you a failure, it simply means that something wasn’t a good fit.  Resist the urge to extrapolate that event to your whole life and let pessimism and “I told you so” limited thinking kick in.  Instead, realize that you always have choices and resources.  Commit to moving forward and take control of the situation instead of being a passive victim.

Kick the “but”
When I work with clients and make suggestions that take them outside of their comfort zone, it is not uncommon to hear the “yes, but...” response.  What they are really saying is that their fear of the unfamiliar is stronger than their desire to succeed.  When you put it like that, all those excuses sound downright silly.  But we don’t very often put our “yes, but...” statements in that context, do we?  Instead, we buy into all of them, we turn our fears into pseudo-facts and talk ourselves right off that ledge.  Did you ever notice the relief you feel in those moments when you can convince yourself NOT to make a bold move?  However, what do you really get by staying stagnant in your life or career?  It’s easy to think that you are conserving your resources of time, energy, relationships and money by playing it safe, but the exact opposite is true.  No matter how much it may cost you to take a risk, think about what it costs you to stay stuck.  Is your energy sapped?  Are you upset all the time?  Do you harbor resentments?  Are you really enjoying and savoring life? 

Stay Curious
Instead of fearing change because you are focussing on what you may lose, think instead about change being the gateway to endless possibilities.  In nature, change is the means of generation.  Do you feel depressed that it is autumn and the leaves are going to fall, or do you enjoy the splendor of the trees cloaked in shades of yellow, red and orange?  You, too are part of the universe and the events in your life are meant to constantly evolve and change. There are cycles of growth. Even when you are in a “winter” it is only in preparation to regenerate again in a “spring.”  Recognizing when your fallow period is related to being stuck or that you are just between leaps evolves cultivating a curiosity and sense of wonderment.  In short, an appreciation of change.  Instead of shutting down your potential with “yes, but...”  reframe that response to say “what if...” and see what happens.  Stay open to all of the possibilities instead of focussing on the problems.

Shatter the Meme:
As human beings, we would be nowhere if we didn’t have a sense of wonderment and the desire to experiment.  It is your birthight to embrace the possibilities that come from a world where change is the only constant.  There is no virtue in limiting yourself and not working to achieve your fullest potential.  Instead, you are wasting your resources and cheating the world out of the opportunity to benefit from what you uniquely have to offer. Let your creativity soar- removing all the obstacles to your time and energy you place in your own way.

Minority Report

In week seven of the Shattering the Meme Novena, we focus on how to stop feeling like a victim.  Overcome feelings of being left out or treated unfairly by looking past the superficial differences and finding the more profound sense of connection that is available.

Do you have a chip on your shoulder because you feel that everybody else is ganged up against you?  Do you focus so intently on how you are different from everyone else (race, sexual orientation, gender, age, experience level) that you forget to notice how much more profoundly you are the same?  The minority meme is rife in creative professions because the criteria for success is so subjective.

If you feel insecure or dissatisfied, it’s way too easy to focus on that sense of isolation and to feel like you are a victim.  And minority status can be defined in many, many ways.  For example, you may feel like the young gun misunderstood by the senior members of your firm.  Or maybe you feel like you are more creative and loose in your work process than your hard-driving professional environment and that you are steamrollered, never getting an opportunity for your ideas to blossom.  Even the “usual”  kinds of minorities, based on race and gender  allow you to feel like you are not in control, thereby absolving you of all responsibility for your own success.  How do you really want the world to see you as a (fill in the blank) minority group, or as a talented creative person with the unique ability to (fill in the blank)?  I would suspect that it is the latter, so how do you stop allowing the former to shape your identity for yourself and others you interact with?

Birds of a feather
It’s important to see what you have in common with others in your workplace, to really work to find others with the unique and unusual traits that you share so that you have something to really bond over.  Even if you work at a firm where the culture is very innovation oriented and your co-workers and superiors are equally committed to thinking outside the box as you are, you will find an even greater affinity and sense of connection with someone who shares your trait for say, using storytelling techniques in the design process.  If you don’t feel that there is anyone you can connect with, can you identify others in your professional community who you can form an alliance or mentorship with?  Find your tribe and draw strength and energy (as well as validation) for the point of view and work style that you contribute to the profession. 

Step outside of the box
The less you define your self as any type of outcast, the less others will perceive you in that way.  Understand that what makes you different is what forms the basis of your identity.  You get to choose how you are perceived and defined by either playing into a stereotype, or playing into your strengths.  It’s critical to know the difference.  For example, I am an introvert.  Introverts are not the least bit shy, but we can seem rather aloof, as we tend to be more comfortable with an outside-looking-in approach to the world.  For many years of my life, I let others (first my extroverted mother, then teachers, then colleagues) make that core personality trait wrong.  I fought to push myself to be more extroverted, which of course, only led me to feel more like an awkward outsider.  Then my path crossed with Dr. John McIntosh, who headed up the urban design program for Arizona State University.  I was a young architect on the Phoenix Housing and Neighborhood Commission and looking to make a difference in my community and John saw that.  He helped me see how I could orchestrate the right collection of people in the room to take action on initiatives, not just talk about doing something.  Even more than that, he modeled unabashed introversion, while being a well respected and influential community leader.  I realized through my connection with him that I could do the work I wanted to do without having to change my personality.

Take a stand
As important as it is not to make yourself a victim when you feel less than connected to a group you work with, I am not insinuating that there is not real discrimination of every stripe going on in the world.  And that needs to be addressed, not ignored.  If looking for common ground is still not breaking the ice, or someone is willing to “play nice” and say things you want to hear to your face, but takes actions that show they view you otherwise, call them on that.  Ask them point blank to explain to you why they are not following through, or why the opportunities you have expressed a desire to achieve seem inaccessible.  Then, listen, really listen to their response.  If you receive constructive advice you can take action on, work with this person to put together a success plan with a timetable.  If you hear a response that creates self-doubt in you, makes you feel embarrassed for asking, sweeps your concern under the rug, or makes you feel inadequate, then your feelings of being a victim may very well be stemming from psychological manipulation called gaslighting (read my detailed post on that) or downright prejudice on the part of this individual.  In that case, you need to call a spade a spade and  leave that situation.


The purpose of looking past differences and finding common, shared traits is to help you feel less intimidated about building a network, finding a mentor and going for your goals big time.  The superstar of design that you admire is still just an designer and had to deal with the same basic challenges as you do every day.  Looking at them in that way, takes away the unapproachable “aura of success” and lets you see how you can best approach them to form a connection.

Attonement

The theme of week six of the Shattering the Meme Novena is guilt.  Built into our profession is a need to please and to feel responsible for our client’s decisions and actions.

If you find yourself often “made wrong” by others and feel an endless need to overcompensate for your mistakes through self-deprecation and lavish make-up efforts, you are trapped in a cycle of guilt.  No, you don’t get a hall pass to be a screw up, but you do need to recognize a good meme for what it is.  The atonement meme is all about feeling like your efforts are, at their core, inadequate.  Accordingly, any criticism you receive must not only be accurate, but proof of an inexorable flaw you must make up for at every turn.  The education and internship phase of a career is especially ripe for instilling this guilty mindset.  Modeled for us in the profession is the desire to slavishly cater to a client’s every whim.  Trained by our industry to expect perfection, our clients then pick apart our every effort, becoming cranky if we are not always available, armed with answers and willing to take on all of the responsibility for the outcome, even in the areas where we had no control.  And we not only accept it, we feed the meme by looking for ways to overcompensate. 

Your resources have value
Resources include your time and energy, not just the “project deliverables.”  However, we act as though we somehow don’t feel that our fee or expertise has real value, because we keep giving these other resources away as some kind of “value-add” when instead, we should hold the line.  Here’s a great example: You can’t get the user group to meet at all over the next month due to their busy schedules for a project they consider critically urgent to get done ASAP.   Yet, you accept responsibility for getting the client to have their priorities in order.  Obviously, they aren’t willing to make this project the priority they claim it to be by rearranging their schedule to meet with you.  But the meme tells you that you are responsible for their prioritization problem and that it will be your fault that the schedule for the design phase has slipped. So you over-deliver in the form of offering meeting way outside of business hours at a time totally inconvenient to you, when you should have just reminded the client of their self-imposed deadline and asked them to make the choice about whether to meet with you on designing their project or be available for other obligations.

Who really wants this?
You cannot want the project to succeed more than the client does.  Therefore, if they are not willing to make the commitment of their own time and resources, as well as being open to innovation, you will never succeed in forcing it on them.  You will end up selling them on your big ideas, which involve collaboration, then unilaterally be responsible for delivering them.  I can smell the failure of that from here.  The message needs to be communicated pre-design that your process has benefits, and that it requires their full participation to succeed.  To the extent that they don’t engage with you, spell out clear consequences to the project.  No matter what schedule or budget constraints exists, what client wants to waste their limited resources to build something that is mediocre and only partially solves the problem?

Release the guilt
Distinguish between the job responsibilities that are yours and those that are not.  Make sure that others you are working with, both inside and outside of your office, clearly understand this.  Ask yourself why you would feel bad if things that are not your responsibility go astray.  If it is because you fear being unfairly blamed, think about why you are letting that happen to you.  Do you need to have a meeting to clarify your role on the project?  Do you need to fire a toxic client?  Do you need to leave a passive-aggressive work environment?  If it’s just your own perfectionism and need to be a control freak, work on letting go.  See the ways that you can still contribute the things that you are passionate about to the project and focus on promoting those benefits to those working with you.


Shatter the meme:
Doing things because you feel you have to is a losing proposition.  Doing things because they feed your soul and meaningfully contribute to making people better means dropping the guilt complex.  Stop feeling responsible for holding up someone else’s end of the bargain, and trying to make your efforts enough for all parties concerned.  Let your clients and co-workers be meaningful participants in generating priorities and make sure all involved understand their role as a stakeholder in the outcome.  Make sure that the consequences of milestones not being met are also clearly established and agreed upon.  Then relax and concentrate on your role in facilitating the design end of the equation.  Don’t allow others to offload their responsibilities onto you, trigger the consequence if they don’t meet their agreed to obligations.  And above all, don’t allow yourself to feel bad about it.

Editing out the opportunity

It’s week four of the Shattering the Meme Novena.  Especially in a recession economy, which focusses on lack and limits, our focus must shift to releasing judgement of ourselves and others in order to be more open to the possibilities that come from less rigid thinking.

How well do you know yourself?  Your real interests and capabilities?  I bet they are in there buried down deep, disconnected from what you actually do for a living, expressed maybe as a hobby, or maybe not at all.  Today, I would like you to ask yourself why.  Why are you so disconnected from what you really love to do?  Go, on, give all your reasons.  I’ll bet you have some really good ones.  Masterful rationalizations, all.  So good in fact, that I bet you have never even attempted to set any of the things that would help you realize your dream life in motion.  Or maybe you did in a halfhearted way, since you didn’t want to take that much risk or invest that strongly in something that wasn’t going to work out anyway.  Yeah.

What you have actually done without even realizing it was to edit opportunity right out of your life, just as a surgeon would excise a tumor.  You never truly explored the possibilities or made many plans.  You just knew you couldn’t or shouldn’t go in that direction.  What an insidious meme, the one that leaves us subconsciously longing and always suppressed, all the while believing that we are better off just doing what life expects of us.

Judge and Jury
When I work with coaching clients, this is often the biggest hurdle I find.  As a first step, I encourage them to do some very introspective work to get clarity about what they love to do and attach that to the reason they want to do it.  Then I ask them why they are not doing it already.  That is a profound question.  The answer, when you stop to think about, it is that you are not allowing yourself.  This lack of permission comes wrapped in all kinds of reasons that seem valid until you dig a little deeper.  Things like, “I have too many responsibilities right now to spend the money it would take to get set up,” or “The market for that is too small to really allow me to earn a living.” When I ask my clients how they know that those outcomes will occur if they allow themselves to explore a particular passion, they often have no answer.  They just know.  Because their conditioning (education, early childhood, work experience) told them so.  Before they even allowed the idea to be fully formed and vetted, all on their own, they shut it down.  Deemed it unworthy of seeing the light of day. 

Make the investment
It can be scary to follow your heart.  But you need to think about all the things you are losing by not doing so.  What is your happiness worth?  What does the stress you are experiencing right now doing work that doesn’t serve you cost in terms of your health and well-being?  What does the rat race do to your quality of life, or that of your family?  In economic terms, this is called the opportunity cost.  What you choose to forgo by playing it safe.  Playing is safe also prevents you from receiving the big payoff in every dimension of your life that comes from living with passion and purpose.  Clients, employers, members of your network, will all notice you in a much more positive way once you choose to invest in acquiring the skill and experience you need to do the work that you really love instead of the work that gets fed to you by default.  When you look at all of the costs of playing it safe (physical, mental and spiritual), it becomes obvious just how precarious of a position you put yourself in by staying stuck instead of making the bold moves towards living your true life’s purpose. Playing it safe isn’t so safe after all.

Beat back the lack
We can all fall prey to focusing on what we don’t have.  Especially in this economy, where we are faced with constant bad news, it’s easy to believe that we need to hold back instead of charging forward.  We want to conserve instead of expand.  To carefully guard our reserves, whether time, money or networking capital “just in case.”  Well, the rainy day is happening right now if you are anything but fulfilled and purpose-driven in your life and career.  The stress of trying to maintain the status quo is what makes you feel like you and what you have to offer will never be enough. Believing that there just isn’t opportunity to be had becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What’s needed instead is to look at what you have to offer and to whom it will make a difference.  Sharing what you have to offer starting right now and making a difference in the world is far more important than holding back.  I liken this thinking to refusing to make a $20.00 donation to your favorite charity because you want to wait until you get rich and can give them an endowment.  It’s kind of ridiculous when you look at it in those terms, isn’t it?  Every little contribution you make does make a difference.  What’s more, is that they add up and propel you forward.

Shatter the meme:
The number one regret of the dying as reported by nurses who cared for hospice patients was that they had not lived a life true to themselves, but instead tried to meet everyone else’s expectations.  Allow yourself to think about who you really are and what you really want, even if it seems ridiculous or frivolous.  Play with the thought, get comfortable with it instead of immediately filing it away because you can’t see the path to achieve it.  In fact, banish all thoughts of “how” and just focus on why you have this dream.  The more you can get in touch with what motivates you, the easier it will become to not only see opportunities, but to fearlessly pursue them.  Then, choose to take action.  Once you do, you will be surprised at all of the opportunities that start to come your way related to your true life’s purpose.  It’s not a miracle, they were always available to you, but now you no longer have them painted over with wite out.

Feast Day 2013: You are Unlimited

Today the Patron Saint of Architecture celebrates three years of helping bring inspiration and creativity to the forefront of what we do as architects.  What started as a personal need to affirm that architecture could and should be so much more than the professional opportunities that I was experiencing has now become a worldwide network of people who share that same purpose.  Each year, I build on the original intent and expand the content offerings; going from this blog to a facebook page, Pinterest account and, in this past year, a book.  As I challenge myself to experiment with new media and outreach efforts, I hope to not only build a community of creatives, but to encourage all of us to stretch outside of our comfort zone. 

I’ve come to realize that the comfort zone is a pretty deceptive place.  It’s what we know.  So we operate within a set of self-imposed constraints that limit our thinking about what’s possible.  Many of these constraints come from our education and professional experiences, and have permeated our understanding about what it means to practice architecture.  That’s why this year’s novena will be Shattering the Meme.  We’ll spend nine weeks exploring things about the profession of architecture that we just assume “have” to be that way and work to stop accepting the limiting premise of each one. 

In conjunction with this novena, I am launching my first ever series of teleclasses.  Based on my book, Career Crisis, which launched in April, the teleclasses begin next week with a free introductory session.  I am excited to bring the theme of applying your passion and purpose meaningfully to your career alive in an interactive way.  It’s one thing to read something, but nothing compares to actually being able to work through issues in a more direct way.  As architects, we often feel that we can and should be able to do it all, from graphic design to marketing to management, so it is natural for us to  think we can be our own coaches as well.  But coaching by its very nature is not a DIY endeavor. A coach can help you to understand your unique situation in a whole different way.  You need someone to encourage you to think beyond what you think is possible and challenge you achieve things that you really want (because that's the scary stuff you won't ever push yourself to do).  Someone who will tell you when you are allowing yourself to get distracted by being “too busy”  or when you are losing focus. 

You can begin to experience what it's like to work with a coach in the teleclasses, where we will spend an hour on each career theme and also do some individual “laser coaching,” where I will take questions from participants and provide targeted advice live on the call. 

If you want more, you can always work with me one on one in my career coaching program, which is a three week long intensive process.  I’m also pleased to announce a new coaching offering this year:  I Need a Quickie is specifically tailored to architects who really want to seek out coaching, but are still afraid to invest in themselves in this way.  While nowhere near as intensive as a coaching program, this new offering will let you buy an hour of one on one time with me to talk about career issues important to you.  I’m hoping that by offering this bridge to coaching, many of you will see how valuable it really is to work with me or another coach to up your game.  Wherever you are in your career, however much or little you have accomplished, you can always set your sights higher and achieve even more. 

We kicked off last year with the Change the World Novena, where I profiled architects who have taken it upon themselves to make the world a better place through the built environment.  Many of you viewed those architects as people who were somehow different from you.  You thought, “What they’re doing is great, but I can’t do that.  Who am I to think I can change the world?”  This year I’m not accepting that excuse- you are a gifted, creative, person, or you wouldn’t be an architect.  Who are you not to use that talent?  Get unstuck and shatter all those memes that are convincing you otherwise!

(Re)setting your Intentions

New Year's resolutions are something I have always viewed as pointless.  You either want to make a change or you don't. If you do, you begin that process at the point you set the intention, not some arbitrary time on the calendar.  However, there's no shortage of self-improvement advice this time of year, which inspired to write this New Year's Eve post because I felt that all of that wasn't enough- you need a lot more than retrospect on the passing year or self-improvement tips to help you have a successful year.  You need clear intent.

There's all kinds of superstitions and advice about what (or what not) to eat or wear or do to usher in good luck for the new year.   Some friends and I had a lot of fun exchanging our family good luck traditions on facebook, which led me to think about my favorite quote, "Luck favors the prepared."  You bring opportunity to yourself by being ready for it.  When you have a clear sense of who you are and what you want from your life, you become open to the things to which you can say yes, or no, on a daily basis that will usher in transformation.  No resolution will do that for you.

This chart perfectly sums up the open attitude
and clarity of purpose needed for success

Change, and the willingness to embrace it brings opportunity.  As a feng shui expert, I've been preparing for a new year by cleaning and clearing clutter from my life and will spend tomorrow re-setting intentions for the year ahead with my family.   I find this a good way to mentally let go of that which no longer serves me and make room for new opportunities. So don't drive yourself crazy trying to set all kinds of new goals.  Look within and take stock of how you have evolved.  Have you gotten sidetracked from your existing goals?  Do your goals from five years ago no longer serve you?  Are you complacent in your goals, or do you need to step outside your comfort zone to really achieve something big?

I invite you to do your own space clearing.  In the process of weeding out that which you don't need, use, or love, think about what the stuff you surround yourself says about who you are.  Place objects that affirm who you are or want to become in a prominent place.  Success is about your willingness to change.  You don't need more resolutions, just goals attuned to the person you wish to become.  Wishing you a happy and abundant 2013!  

See a countdown of the most popular Patron posts of 2012. 

What scares you as a creative?

Happy Halloween everyone!  Tradition has is that Halloween is the start of a transitional time when we are more connected to the spirit world- next stop is All Saints Day, when we look to our spiritual guides followed by All Souls Day, where we honor our ancestors, friends and mentors who have gone before us.

Keeping with the spirit of these three days, I wanted to take a little time as your virtual mentor to reflect on releasing the fears that hold you back, identifying your inspirations, and finding people willing to help guide you on your path to fulfillment. I love this infographic I found at Design Taxi for its humorous (precisely because it hits on some core truths) look at creative phobias.  That's the trick part- the way that we talk ourselves out of going for the things that we really want in our careers.

Now for the treat:  I am developing a series strictly related to mentoring and am looking for your input on the issues that are most important to you.  Please take some time to post in the comments section about your pressing career dilemmas.  You don't have to get personal or overly detailed (if you want to do that, please email me at thepatronsaintofarchitecture@gmail.com for a one-on one coaching session), just list some of the basic hobgobblins blocking your path to success.  Those career cobwebs' days are numbered.

I Am Not a Waitress

I have been absent.  Busy.  Eating too much pizza and not enough green vegetables.  The truth is, I’ve been feeling sapped.  The creative brain can often operate on hyper overdrive with more ideas flooding in that we can process.  We embark on myriad projects stretching ourselves in too many different directions.  My ambitious novena project has proved more difficult than I’d imagined to execute as finding then coaxing interviews out of built environment champions from all over the country has proved to be a bit like herding cats (you know who you are out there).  I’d like to also blame the flurry of events in my 3D life for why I have not blogged more in recent months (real estate crises, hectic work schedule, launching feng shui business, family matters), but this blog is about 3D life, not escaping it, so that’s not a good excuse either.  While I still feel guilty about not posting at my usual weekly pace, I’ve also come to realize that sometimes you just need...time.  We cannot flog ourselves into a creative frenzy, producing on-demand delights for the pleasure of others.  In short, I am not a waitress, and neither are you.  As creatives, we respond to, synthesize and process information to solve problems, but we will fail every time we try to follow orders.

I was recently reminded of this at a client meeting.  Because I am a healthcare architect, many of the people I work with are physicians.  Brilliant, worldly, folks who often themselves have a passion for the arts and architecture.  Certainly people who are used to speaking up and being the authority.  In this particular meeting, the person in question was sure that she had the answer, suggesting it in the meeting and even pulling me aside later to press her point.  I personally always like to think through and interpret what people have to tell me about space because I can often gain a great deal of insight on how to best solve the problem.  However, in this case, we’d already explored that path and the suggestion had more cons attached to it than pros.  I bristled inwardly at being told how to do my job.  I marveled at the audacity and confidence of this individual at the same time I wondered why as architects we so often demur.  Those that don’t are deemed “arrogant”  and “difficult”  and had better have a hell of a lot of talent on their side to make up for the fact that no one really likes them.  It led me to want to explore further the fine line between creativity and collaboration, between clarity and conformity and when it all degrades to just serving up a requested old favorite from the menu.

Let’s start with a round of intention and purpose
If you don’t know what you want, there is no way you can get it (or recognize it when you have).  While we often think that pushing ourselves to work harder is the key to success, the real key is your passion for what you do. This passion is contagious and will fuel any project and actually foster more collaboration that being a sycophant ever will.  As my yoga teacher likes to say- “if it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.”  Truly words to live by, yet so many of us are caught up in life’s compulsories to the point that we forget what all those things were a prerequisite for. 

Next course: time and space 
While we often think that our best ideas come out of the pressure of the last minute, they are made possible by the fact that during periods of relaxation, something we negatively label as procrastination, we subconsciously form links between our problem and seemingly unrelated things out in the world.  If you can’t focus, there’s probably a reason and no amount of time at your desk will improve that.  The mind at play can recharge and see problems from new angles while the mind under pressure and a heavy workload reverts to reconstituting the last successful idea.

Send those negative thoughts back to the kitchen
The devil you know can be mighty seductive.  No matter how much we complain about all the things holding us back in life, we have a laundry list of excuses for why we can’t let them go.  These are your fears and they have no place in the successful outcome of anything.  Fear of failure prevents you from making bold moves, or causes you to sabotage the ones you do make too soon, leaving projects unfinished.  Fear of disapproval prevents you from voicing your thoughts or being an advocate for the expertise you have when you are challenged.  Fear of losing control makes us inflexible idea-hoarders, unable to collaborate.  When you play it safe, you stay stuck in a comfortable rut, all the while telling yourself you are making a wise choice (nice job, inner critic). 

Finish it off with a nice routine
When your creative process becomes automatic, you don’t question it anymore.  That makes it infinitely less likely that others will question you either.  Being creative is a constant work in progress.  You have to nurture your creativity for it to blossom.  Just like that never ending chore of cleaning the kitchen, creativity requires a daily investment of your time, and things quickly become a mess after a day or two of neglect.  Get in the habit of feeding your soul by making rest, exercise, and a ritual of creative tasks a non-negotiable part of your day.

Being an architect is nothing like waiting tables. We are in the business of providing our clients with something they don’t have today, of working with them to shepherd a vision into a built reality.  To do that, we are going to have to expand beyond literally writing down a list of criteria to satisfy. Our purpose in the design process is to work with our project team and clients toward defining the right problem and developing an innovative way to solve it, not delivering the daily special.

Liberation: six steps to set your creativity free

Does your thinking always default to “fault?” Are you trapped in an endless game of “gotcha” with yourself?  Have you imprisoned your creative spirit in a cage of self doubt? As someone who expects perfection out of myself I can relate to the fears and desire to overachieve and exceed expectations that hold creative people back.  I recently read an excellent article on letting go by Tony Schwartz that got me thinking about how we can set ourselves free of things that don’t serve our highest self in order to make room for the things that do.  Sounds like a scary proposition- but it’s not.  What it is is nothing short of liberation.  Just as fear of failing can immobilize us and keep us stuck in a rut, letting the perfect be the enemy of the good causes us to aim low, and apologize for taking chances.  It causes that judge and jury in our heads to consistently level a guilty verdict. This is my list of six common creative prisons and recommendations for breaking out:

Shackled to the past
Maybe it took you a while to really get the hang of model building, or a design program.  Maybe you got some harsh criticisms of your work.  Maybe that first internship was a bit rocky as you learned the ropes.  Maybe, just maybe you learned from all of this and are now competent.  However, you got used to viewing yourself as inexperienced and mistake prone.  That self-image no longer is a true representation of the architect you are today.  Like the person who’s conquered a lifelong weight problem, and can’t stop seeing themselves as fat, you are locked inside your initial years as a fledgeling architect. Re-write your resume, update your LinkedIn profile, do something to affirm the architect you are today and keep celebrating that in order to change your self image so that you can feel empowered to make decisions from the point of view of who you are, not who you were.

Confined by busywork
No one ever says on their deathbed that they wished they’d worked more.  If anything they probably wished they’ed enjoyed life more and made more of an impact.  No, you can’t blow off deadlines, but you can prioritize.  Are you letting your to-do list be your excuse?  Whether it’s deadlines at work or personal projects, not giving yourself permission to move forward is not only silly, but it makes you feel so uninspired that you probably won’t actually get all those tasks done anyway.  You eat a pie one bite at a time.  At the beginning of each day, look at what parts of your life goals you can accomplish on that day.  It may be a single task and that’s fine because it advanced your agenda.  Contract, distill and excel.  When you say no to the expansive opportunities before you in order to scratch off some (insignificant in a global view) task, you are really saying no to your own expansion.

Locked into Entitlement
Do you brood about what’s not right or not fair in your career?  The client who treated you poorly, the promotion you didn’t get?  Do you beat yourself up over every real or imagined misstep?  The root of those feelings is an unyielding and harsh view of yourself as all or nothing.  Like a teenager, you believe that you deserve certain things and that life is lived at the extremes of always and never.  As your mother probably told you then, “life’s not fair.”  She was right.  Life’s not just about you.  The people you interact with have their own motives- you are far better served when you focus on understanding them because what really matters is the result and how you respond to a situation, not all the things that happened along the way to cause it.

Energetically in Isolation
You might think you took the high road by not telling your boss off, or giving that unappreciative client a lecture on the value of your service.  But you are still holding on to the resentment and it colors all of your future interactions not only with the individual in question but with others in your professional and private life as well.  Realize that by being non-confrontational, you are choosing to make yourself invisible- no wonder you aren’t on these people’s A-List.  Think about your passion for what you do as a ball of energy that lives at your core.  The more expansive the energy, the further out the glow extends.  Other people are attracted to that glow and want to work with you.  The greatest architects have such expansive energy that people will crowd into lecture halls to hear what they have to say, buy their monographs and wish they could work for or with them.  When you can’t let go of all of your resentments or regrets, you diminish your energy.  Think about that glass-half empty colleague or friend  How drawn to that person do you (or clients) feel?  Then realize that, at times, we are all that person.  Choose to be aware of when you are letting your anger, doubts and fears diminish your energy.  Then take steps to let go.  Stop suppressing your emotions and instead think about whether you actually made your point of view heard.   Calmly and with an open mind approach the person and ask them to recount their decision/actions from their point of view.  You may be surprised at what you learn.

On the chain gang of Trying Too Hard
Are you trying to make your clients like you more by practically wiping their noses for them?   Score points with your boss by being a workaholic?  Being a doormat diminishes your expertise and loses any respect people will have for you.  A project is a partnership and all involved have to understand their roles and responsibilities.  Decisions and directives (or lack of them) have consequences.  Don’t try to sweep client driven issues or office problems under the rug and cheerfully try to compensate by doing others work for them.  So often, we try to just make our situation work and do it all. You never want to put yourself in a position of being held accountable for an outcome in an areas where you have no responsibility. Your boss and your client’s main objective is to have a successful project.  If they aren’t giving you what you need to accomplish this, the greatest service you can provide is one of coaching them on how they can help make the outcome a success. 

Rotting in the dungeon of the Status Quo
What’s good for General Bullmoose is not necessarily what’s good for you.  If you are trying to live up to the expectations of your family, co-workers, society, you are engaged in conformance.  Conformity erodes creativity.  I am not suggesting that you have to be an angry, angry artist who rejects the world in order to be successful.  I am telling you that you need to know yourself and make decisions because they are right for you.  Unfortunately, we’re all likely to hit cruise control when we feel that our lives are basically going in a good direction.  It usually takes some disruptive event to create a breakthrough.  Why?  Because being shaken out of your status quo stupor makes you refocus on what really matters to you.  In the disruptive state, you reject limits and question rules.  Make bold, purposeful moves in your life and you will fail, but you will also succeed beyond your wildest dreams.    When you take actions with purpose, not just because you can or should, miracles can happen.

Who caged your creativity? Who cares?  What’s important to remember is that you hold the key to your own creative freedom. Unlock your own liberation.

Superheroes of the Built World

Last week, I took trapeze lessons.  A group of co-workers have taken on a challenge to do extreme sports activities over the course of the year and sent an email inviting others to join.  I could not hit reply fast enough- what an adventure!  When I got up on that platform, my inner daredevil took over and it was beyond thrilling.  I only regret that I do not have the body of an acrobat, and thus could not do things like a catch and release (but I tried, I tried).  After I develop more core strength, I will go back again in the hopes of successfully completing this stunt.  My four year old self is begging for the opportunity. You see, this was a childhood fantasy come true; I loved going to the circus and, next to the clowns, the acrobats were my favorite. I wanted to be one when I grew up, causing my mother some bit of consternation. While I did pursue gymnastics lessons though high school, I never competed and by the time I was eight or so, I had abandoned my dream career in the circus for being an astrophysicist, then a teacher, then an artist, only finding my way to architecture late in high school. My time on the trapeze got me thinking about what our childhood fantasy careers are really trying to tell us about who we are.

One thing they don’t tell us is to play it safe

Children crave the action oriented, things that serve an obvious purpose with a touch of adventure thrown in. They don’t dream of hours spent in mind-numbing meetings, being heckled by a bullying boss or playing office politics.  They don’t fantasize about the drudgery of overtime because of over-promised deadlines.  They most certainly do not aspire to being awarded some silly title that will pigeon-hole them into a constrained set of roles.  In fact, if you were to present any of these dismal (but all too real) scenarios to a child, they would respond by proposing some bold brash action to put the perpetrator of such misery in his or her place.

This visceral response, commonly echoed in comics, and even some movies, allows the hero to stand up for him or herself, indulging in the supreme satisfaction of defeating evil, telling off an annoying person, double crossing a backstabber  or ceremoniously walking away from oppressive expectations like a toxic job or relationship.  Many times this is coupled with  a physical act- literally vanquishing life’s villain.  We can’t legally do many of these things in real life, so we bury our frustrations and resign ourselves to our fate.  Kapow!  That’s the sound of me smacking you upside the head (virtually of course).  When you feel the urge to be resigned is when you should resign - literally - from whatever is oppressing your ability to be great.  Reconnect with your childhood self and your innermost passions- in other words, look beyond the ordinary career path.

What would Wonder Woman do?
As a child, you truly believed you could change the world.  What you may not realize is that you still can.  You don’t have to accept less than your expectations.  In career paths laden with compromise and nuance, our purpose gets lost.  This is a creativity buzzkill to say the least.  Choose to embark on a more adventurous route:

Lead a double life
No, you don’t need to have a secret identity (unless you want to), but you do need to have more than one dimension.  You can deal with the sometimes mundane aspects involved in being Diana Prince when you know that as Wonder Woman, you are saving the world.  Many times when I talk to someone who is frustrated in their career, they usually work at their job and that’s about it.  They have become flattened, so the consequences of the day to day effort involved in a project or interpersonal business relationships become all consuming.  If you have lost perspective in this way, you need to look for opportunities to live your passion outside of your job.  Volunteer in the community, apply to be a member of a board or commission- do something else that matters to you to expand your network.  It might seem counter-intuitive, but when you expose yourself to fun and inspiring activities (like trapezing), you actually become better at solving workplace problems and making career choices.

Be a hero
You are an architect, so why isn’t your city better?  People on the street may not cry out for help like they do in comic books, but it’s not very heroic of you to keep ignoring obvious need.  Heroes don’t let a purse snatcher get away because they’d rather wait for their archenemy to launch some diabolical plot.  They help wherever they are needed.  So should you. Take initiative and work to make a change. 

Confront your nemesis
What’s holding you back?  What are you too afraid to even attempt?  If you take the time to really think about it, these root fears of inadequacy or failure are the excuse you use not to pursue things that really matter  to you.  They make you risk adverse and keep you stuck in that rut you always complain about being stuck in.  Challenge yourself and remember, those elaborate plots to eliminate the hero were always foiled in the end (mostly because they were way too elaborate).  Your nemesis is really just you over-thinking everything.

Over the next few weeks, I am launching my second Patron Saint of Architecture novena (click on the tab at the top of the page to read last year's Breaking Points and Turning Points novena).  Change the World (an experiment), will profile cities as seen through the lens of the real-life superheroes who weren’t afraid to step outside their comfort zone and champion a cause in the built environment.  What they did made a difference, and you will get to hear their stories so that you, too can be inspired to use your powers as an architect for the greater good.   Before you shut down this idea by automatically thinking that you can’t possibly pull off a stunt like this, I want to share the most profound thing I discovered at my trapeze lesson: falling is truly no big deal.  It’s how you get down when you are done with your act.

Feast Day 2012: Stay Inspired

Today, the Patron Saint of Architecture turns two!  When I made my first post on May 26, 2010, I never imagined that this blog would have touched so many lives.  I've met some wonderful architects from all over the world, had the opportunity to interview some amazing people on the subject of inspiration and creativity, taken a deep dive into the issues that hold us back as creatives in the Breaking Points and Turning Points novena, and gotten even more exposure for the blog through Wellness: The Series, my monthly article for Urban Times.  The past year has included expansion into new platforms- creating a Patron facebook page where I post daily doses of inspiration (so like it if you haven't already) as well as more interactive content like surveys and sharing by other sites like Healthcare Innovation by Design and Loth Furniture.  You can also visit the Enlighten Yourself link on the right column of this page to see my recommended reading for you in the categories of business, architecture and creative resources.  Just today, I created a Patron board on Pinterest, to allow creative images to be shared.  As I get this going, you will have the opportunity to post your ongoing work or favorite images to share with the group.  I am toying with the idea of a little You Tube streaming for the coming year as well! 

All of you devotees had an exciting year of opportunities to inspire you to be your best creative selves.  Please join in the litany of inspiration by sharing a quick story with all of us in the comments section.  As I learned last year, our greatest triumphs come from challenging ourselves.  When we know what we want and ask for it, it is surprising how easily we can get it.  For example, I never dreamed that author Robin Stern would agree to an interview about gaslighting, just because I looked her up and sent her an email, or well-known executive coach Lisa Petrilli would talk to me about leadership or Therapeutic Landscape expert Naomi Sachs would share her insights into biophilic design.  They all were so generous with their time and knowledge, and those interviews were some of the top posts of the past year - all it took was me truly pushing my introverted self to approach them.

Look for this year's novena, Change the World (An Experiment), an upcoming series that interviews changemakers in nine different cities about the role they played in turning their community around.  I hope that their inspirational stories will show you all the ways that you too can make a difference as an architect.

So, if you are sitting at your remarkably uninspiring desk feeling like all you do is churn out work to meet demands and deadlines, don't forget that inspiration is what you make of it- put on your party hat, grab a balloon and some cake and celebrate your creativity!  As a prize for all of you, please download the feast day icon - you didn't even have to play a festival game to win it!

Be your next restoration/preservation project

“Creativity is as much about restoration as challenging yourself,” I thought one Sunday morning while feeling utterly weighed down by a bunch of stuff I had to do.  The creative mind is just not built to slog, yet as creative individuals we often get ourselves dug in so deep with our big ideas or constant ideation that slog we do.  I posted my thought on the Patron facebook page  and twitter the following day and was a bit surprised by how much that statement resonated.  In an interesting bit of synchronicity, I also happened to read posts on three other blogs that I follow with a similar theme.  Apparently it’s been a long spring.  I know it has for me.  Since February, I have been so busy between work, blogging for both this site and Urban Times, getting feng shui certified, and general life management (taxes anyone) that I feel as though I can barely come up for air.  So in the interests of opening the collective windows of our minds to let a little sunshine in, I have listed my top six personal restoration projects:

Recognize the difference between struggle and effort
As architects, we're no stranger to long hours.  But there is a difference between the creative effort that flows from us and the stuff that feels way to much like work.  Working in "the zone" can be incredibly energizing.  Feeling oppressed by your to-do list is a depleting struggle.  When we are in struggle mode, we feel that we have to burn the candle at both ends just to keep on top of things. If you are struggling, you are working hard, not smart and you should stop that right now. 

Fun is inspirational
Sometimes your best idea for a project may come from observing a food vendor at a carnival.  Not only does having fun provide us with restoration, it also gets our brains channeled in a different way- which is the very essence of creativity.  Here's how it works:  When you are noodling a design problem, you never really stop thinking about it, it lives in the back of your mind.  When your thoughts stop flowing (struggle mode) and you try to force them, the brain gets locked into a nonproductive static loop.  When you go do something else, your mind is free to play and suddenly you find yourself seeing parallels between the problem you are trying to solve and all kinds of (seemingly) incongruous things.

Put yourself on the schedule
Haven't had a haircut in months, got a knot of tension in your neck that you've been downing Advils like candy to work around?  You are ignoring self care.  Just as a building needs to be maintained, so does your body, mind and spirit.  When we put ourselves last, we operate from a mindset of depletion.  This restricts access to our creative flow, impacting the way we relate to our clients coworkers, even friends and family.  Grumpy, energy-sapped you is not necessarily even going to want to attend that industry lunch, let alone be a networking superstar who walks away with a pocketful of business cards.  Some of your best contacts can be those casual ones, like the woman you see each week at yoga, the manager of your salon, your dentist, the mother of your kid's play date.  Seek out and frequent restorative care and activities of all stripes and take the time to invest in your relationships there.

Abolish prerequisites
Perhaps it was the experience of taking college courses that got us here.  We so often feel that we have to choose between the things we would like to do and all the required activities of life. Chores (both at work and at home) are NOT a prerequisite to any other activity.  When it comes to work/life balance it's not "either/or", but "both /and." I personally struggle a lot with this one.  I find that it helps to plan to reward myself with at least one thing a day in order to keep my energy levels up and to try and take a break and switch gears whenever I catch myself getting stuck in the struggle.    

Ditch the victim within
When you feel diminished and small, that telegraphs in your actions and interactions.  Being expansive allows you to have a positive outlook, and channel your creativity.  It also draws others to you like a magnet.  That interaction with others in turn leads to more creativity.  Walk away from Victimville, home of oppressive depleting tasks and unrecognized effort and choose to empower your efforts.  Get the help you need to slog through the tasks that deplete or depress you, be selective in your commitments, seek out and ask for what contributes to your life and career goals.  Are you doing the work of your draftsman?  Ask yourself why you feel you need to do this: lack of trust in their work (fire or train them better), perfectionism on your part (done is better than perfect), or a way to avoid your own fears or hesitations on taking on creative challenges (take the leap).  If you truly find yourself drawn to chores when faced with a big project or challenge, think about why you are subconsciously choosing to be a victim of busy work instead of giving yourself permission to shine.  Then go do something fun instead of scheduling those fixtures. 

Be outcome focused
In a perfect world, we'd all live with such clarity of purpose that every action we took would be advancing that purpose.  In real life, we get distracted.  It's a lot easier to put effort into an activity when we understand how completing it will contribute to achieving a long or short term goal. Staying result-focused helps us get through the tedious work, because we can see where it ends.  It also helps us to trim the unnecessary activities we often take on because we assume we have to, but haven't fully thought through why. When you are outcome focused, you honor your own effort and the efforts of others.

Just like a building, our figurative paint can peel, our mental light bulbs need to be changed and our air needs to be circulated to keep from breeding mold spores.  We can also find that upon closer inspection, we need a little remodel of our lives to keep on track with our higher purpose.  Take on your life as your next project without fear of bold moves- making space is what you do.

You Can’t Get What You Don’t Know You Want

The art of being fully present is perhaps the hardest to master for architects, who are always referencing the past and planning the future (usually under some level of duress).  We get so caught up in achievement that we lose sight of why we’re paddling so hard toward that waterfall.  There are danger signs and people shouting to get our attention, and we don’t even notice them because we are so hell-bent on accomplishing- what?  As you ponder this and take a deep breath, consider this quote from legendary conductor Ben Zander on what it takes to deliver a transformational performance, "This is the moment- this is the most important moment right now.  Which is: we are about contribution.  That's what our job is.  It's not about impressing people.  It's not about getting the next job.  It's about contributing something."

When you get right down to it, that is the essence of who we are as architects.  It’s the essence of who all people are and we function in our highest and best states when our work has meaning and makes a positive difference in the world.  Cool-eh?  Easy, not so much.  That’s because to be fully present requires trusting that the outcome will be OK even if we don’t worry about it.  To be fully present means that you have clarity about yourself and your purpose in the world and everything you do is about realizing that purpose.  It’s kind of like applying the principles of Lean design to your life.  If you never pause to plan, to ask yourself what you really want, your life’s purpose will get lost.  Here’s how to set the right goals for yourself so you can get on with living your truth:

Restore balance
If you’re experiencing dissatisfaction in your career, but can’t figure out how to jumpstart change, it’s most likely because you have lost sight of your goals, or maybe never really had any in the first place.  I’m not talking about the expectations others have for you or the things you feel you “should” be doing.  Aspirations are not true goals.  Take some time to get to know yourself better and identify what moves you as an architect:

1. Read something inspirational about the built world each day.  You get to decide what that is, whether it’s a favorite blog (ahem), news item, or article.  The only rule is that it has to be uplifting, not anything that will upset or irritate you. Hint: It does not need to be “official architecture press.”  After a while, notice the patterns in your choices.
2. Try to spend one hour of each day in silence, uninterrupted.  Getting off of the treadmill of what you do all day with all of its disruption and conflict allows your thoughts to settle and you to become more conscious of them.
3. Begin each workday by sitting in stillness and set an intention for the day.  I know, I know, you’re busy, but jumping right into the fray deprives you of being able to see how the tasks before you can be used to nourish you and help you realize your goals.  Otherwise, they will create stress, which will deplete you. When you have clarity, you will express it in every action you take, which will reinforce and feed your creative identity.

Start asking
It’s hard to ask. It feels funny.  You could get turned down.  But I think the hardest part about asking is that you would have to know what you want or need and be able to clearly express that need.  We’d much rather stew about what we don’t have than figure out how to get it.  Most of us live in a haze of half-realized thoughts and our brain ping-pongs through them as we form judgments and assumptions about life.  We don’t even clearly realize our intentions much less put them out there. Do you expect others to know you well enough to just lay opportunities at your feet?  Worse, do you expect some fairy-godmother type mentor to tell you what you should do at every turn?  That passivity will at best get you what others feel is convenient for you to have, according to their purposes.  There’s a difference between saying “I want to be recognized, be a partner, win awards, get published,” and “I want to design spaces that make people better.”  One way will actually get you there.

Focus on who you are and what you bring, living in the moment taking time to know yourself and your identity as an architect and you really will change the world.

Telling a Story: the Art of Presentation

The idea is complex, but the explanation must be clear, simple and concise.  It's all your clients will listen to.  The art of storytelling is something that most architects never learn.  Instead, during our education, we model pompous intellectualism, poetically making nonsensical archispeak statements while wearing black turtlenecks.  Of course in studio, there often is no client and no real story, only our personal filter for solving the assigned problem.  In practice, our client becomes our audience and whether we are auditioning for the part, or holding a design meeting, we can never forget to perform for them. 

We all love a good story and clients are eager to pull up a chair and hear your take on them and their project; they want an introduction and a plot line that builds suspense and, of course, a good ending.  They are looking to be drawn in, yet are prepared to tune out, doodling, checking their mobile device or just staring off in the distance.  You have to be compelling and your points have to be memorable in order for you to lead clients deeper into the understanding of the solution or even the design process that you are proposing.  There is no project or idea that can't be distilled down to a very simple explanation of just a few sentences that convey its core premise and purpose.  The few minutes you spend presenting an idea can form the basis of working relationships and the direction of a project for months or years to come.  Tips to get it right the next time you tell a story:

Set the table

Getting right down to business in a presentation is jarring.  Your audience of busy people not only have their own agendas for this project, but they also have heads swimming with all kinds of other information related to that last email they got, how to prepare for this afternoon's meeting, who will pick their kid up for soccer practice tonight.  If you launch right into things, the emotional uneveness of your audience will affect their ability to absorb and respond to you.  On the other hand, if you warm them up with an introduction and build to the purpose of today's meeting first, you will have a calmer more centered group of people reacting to consistent data regarding the project (not their individual agendas).

Don't overqualify
I have seen people so concerned about being misinterpreted that they break the continuity of every third sentence to explain their exact choice of words.  This is beyond irritating to the person who just wants to hear your thoughts already and reserve judgement for later.  If you find yourself doing this, you probably haven't set up what you need to say properly in the first place.  Either that or you are using words that are so inflammatory or ambiguous that they require a parenthetical explanation.

Play the emotional card

The most jaded skeptic still can be touched by building an emotional connection to an idea.  The passion you bring to a presentation extends to the rationale used for every idea you are trying to convey.  Lists of ideas are boring, connecting ideas to deeper more basic and universal human needs is interesting.  Nobody cares that you juxtaposed orthagonal elements or aligned with the city grid.  They do care that the entry to the space creates a ritual that helps tie the cardinal directions to the process of beginning and ending an experience cycle in their building.  It might be really cool that your lobby functions as a sundial, but have the sunlight illuminate things related to the use of the space and you have a design element that is a keeper even during value engineering.

The best piece of presentation advice is to be yourself and speak as if you were telling a story.  Stories create a personal connection, allow you to relax, be more informal and most importantly, allow even the grumpiest critic in your audience to relate to you.

Be Your Own Stage Mom

We further explore how to stop holding ourselves back in week five of our Turning Points and Breaking Points Novena, by focusing on cultivating a personal mission and learning how to market it.

Ah, the stage mom, militantly advocating for her child’s success. While we might feel the poor kid being pushed into the spotlight is a bit of a train wreck, admit it, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone that enthusiastically putting you on center stage and showcasing your talents, fighting tooth and nail to get you noticed? Well, go look in the mirror.  You are your very own self-promotion machine.

Believe in yourself.  A good stage mamma never doubts her baby’s abilities.  You have to know your strengths and be willing to show them off.  Make a list of the ten things you do best as an architect. Choose specific actions, things you feel you are really, really good at doing like programming, research, charrettes with clients, collaborating with your team, sketching or rendering.  Rank them from what you love to do most to least.  For each item, list your single greatest accomplishment.  List three ways you will improve on this skill in the next year. You can say things like publish an article showcasing this issue and my expertise with it, entering a competition, getting a certification, hosting a lunch and learn, speaking to my AIA chapter, anything, anything that allows you to claim a greater level of knowledge and share that knowledge with others.  I don’t care whether you are an intern or own your own firm- figure out at least three ways you are going to show yourself off in the next twelve months.  Give yourself depth of experience outside of work on projects and you will be surprised how quickly projects that match the activities you truly love and have a talent for find their way to you.

Never stop smiling. How can your top five best and most loved skills make a difference to your community, company or your clients?  What do these skills say about your architectural personality?  Write your own personal mission statement.  Keep it to a single sentence that captures the essence of who you uniquely are as an architect.  Make sure it is a life-affirming positive statement. Communicate it to clients and co-workers through everything you say and do in the design and construction process as well as in your extracurricular activities. Let it be what helps guide you to the volunteer/community/professional activities that most reflect your values as a person and as an architect.  As you toil away on a big deadline, deal with a difficult client or experience a setback, remind yourself of your mission statement and let it keep you on track.

Talent is only part of your score.  Charm, style and grace factor heavily into the judges score as well.  As a former boss once wisely remarked on the subject of getting work, “first, they have to like you.” So while you might really want to focus on twirling those flaming batons, that kind of intensity might just lose you points with a client, colleague, boss or co-worker if you fail to connect. The best performers know how to connect with their audience, their focus is outward not inward.  To successfully connect, you need to know yourself and your abilities, your mission as an architect so well that you don’t need to worry about your performance.  You need to live your best talents in everything you do, including volunteer work and personal projects (like writing a blog).  If you walk the talk in this way, there is an honesty and an integrity in what you bring to your work that is beyond reproach and it will resonate with everyone around you.

For God’s sake, get a mentor.  Every stage mom’s goal is to get her kid a good agent.  While she never stops riding herd on the process, she knows she doesn’t have access to all the networks, or knowledge of all of the opportunities.  Neither do you.  Mentors introduce you to more people, help you stay focussed, talk you up and maybe even nominate you for an award now and again.  The need for a mentor is ageless.  No matter where you are in the spectrum of your career, you can use a little coaching and encouragement, someone to encourage you to reach outside your comfort zone and take some risks to stay fresh and at the top of your game.

If you want your career to take off, don’t wait to be discovered.  Take a cue from stage moms everywhere and start promoting your talents.  Please feel free to contact me if you’d like some coaching to help you hone those stage mom skills or a virtual mentor.  I invite everyone to also share their best self-promotion story- your success can become someone else’s inspiration.

Halos and Horns: How being bad makes us good designers

So far during this novena, we’ve looked at external things that affect our creativity; manipulative coworkers/bosses, life events that affect our health or well being, the personal and professional demands of daily life.  In week four, we will begin looking at ways we limit ourselves.

For architects, every day is Judgement Day.  We constantly measure our work and ourselves against everyone else, endlessly critiquing, even sometimes feeling threatened by others’ success. We style ourselves after our heroes and forget to be introspective enough to build our own true, original identity. How many personal armageddons have arisen from pure ego and a desire to “make it” getting in the way of true happiness and success?  My wise little teabag gave me a reminder today of just how much opportunity we miss by doing that. The paper on the end of the string contained this statement, “When ego is lost, limit is lost.  You become infinite, kind and beautiful.” So if we are stuck in a world of ego imposed “shoulds” which hold us down while paradoxically making us feel that we are doing the right thing, how do we know when/which obligations and expectations to let go of?  How bad can (not should) we really let ourselves become?

The devil made me do it
This was one of my favorite claims when, as a child, I was caught doing something like, say,  writing with a Sharpie on my parent’s designer wallpaper.  The “devil” prompted me to some very instructional, creative and fun projects, which unfortunately often also caused some level of damage or destruction.  Oops.  But who is this devil?  We’re not talking Lord of all Evil here in any sense.  No, this imp was simply my creative mind asking “what if?”  The child’s mind is not so strapped down by a feeling of what should be that it judges itself.  Free from expectations, and often unaware of all of society’s rules, it explores cause and effect, linking seemingly disparate elements together to make something that never was.   Our ego is the source of should. Challenge yourself today to do one thing that you normally would consider deviant and see what fun, and revelations, result.
Know what you want and claim it
Our biggest faults as creatives are guilt and self doubt.  When was the last time you really explored your motives for living life?  Chances are that if you did, you would find a whole lot of activity spurred by a sense of obligation or the beliefs and expectations of others.  The deceptively simple question: “what do I want to do?” is one that most architects find almost impossible to answer. Knowing what you want frees you from the destructive competitive cycle that was introduced to us in school and is reinforced in so many professional practices. Take time to actually know what you want helps you to overcome the self doubt and give yourself permission to take the steps that will help you live your dreams, not someone else’s.
Let go of ego
Our own judgements and beliefs, our ego holds us back more than anything.  It is what makes us stubborn, rigid, unaccepting, insistent, all of the things that cut that rut and keep us firmly entrenched within it.  Therefore, we comply with the world’s rules, the things we know we should do, while secretly resenting the fact that we have to do so.  Our ego is the source of should, one way to be our most inspired and best creative selves is to let go of all those expectations and give ourselves permission to be bad.

How have you explored the virtue of living outside of expectations?  In what creative freedoms have you allowed yourself to indulge? It's self-restorative, not selfish - and that allows you to give even more back to the world because you can and not because you should.

Is it me? Crazymaking in the creative workplace

It's week one of novena one: Turning Points and Breaking Points and I am so excited to share the first insight: people who may be hindering your creative process.

Are you underperforming, or just being undermined?  As  architects, we define ourselves through our profession.  For us, it’s not just a career, it’s a vocation.  An attack on our job performance therefore becomes an attack on the way we define our core being.  Since our work involves evolution of ideas through criticism, are you being resistive when you feel that the criticism doesn’t ring true? I recently read a very life-changing book, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulaiton Others Use to Control Your Life, by psychoanalyst Dr. Robin Stern, that addresses underlying causes and effects of manipulative behavior.  The term- gaslighting, first made popular by a  classic 1944 movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, describes the ongoing experience of dealing with someone who repeatedly  attempts to redefine your reality; who twists around your words or actions to the point that you begin to question your sense of reality. In other words, someone tries to drive you crazy or undermine you and you allow them to do it, by buying into what Dr. Stern calls the Gaslight Tango.  Dr. Stern has graciously agreed to share her insights on workplace gaslighting to help you recognize it and empower you with tools to take action against its negative effects.
 
AM: Can you give a little more information about what gaslighting is and how it plays out in the creative workplace?
RS: Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where one person (the gaslighter) seeks to define the reality for another and to undermine his or her confidence.  This works by the gaslighter challenging your understanding of  reality and of your own actions and character. “do you really think you are experienced enough to take that on?”  (implication is that you are not!)  OR in another scenario “…. Not included in the client meeting?  Don’t you think you are being WAY too sensitive?”  The gaslighter creates an emotional charge, sometimes a hook, often with just enough of a grain of truth that you begin to question yourself; after all, maybe you are very sensitive! This buying into the gaslighter’s reality often leads you to  accept blame for the fact that the gaslighter is unhappy (or not giving you that opportunity, raise or promotion). And, what is key here, is that the gaslighter DOES NOT have to accept any responsibility; he may never even have to answer the question of why you weren’t asked to the client meeting – in fact, now both of you are thinking about how sensitive you are, instead!!  Gaslighting undermines your confidence and sense of reality because only the reality of the gaslighter counts and he/she succeeds in  imposing it on you. Creative people are particularly susceptible to this because their work is subjective and relies so often on approval and acceptance by others.  Creativity is an expression someone’s inner voice, so devaluing or criticizing creative work is very personal.  Creative work by its nature doesn’t rely on facts and structure and leaves more room for  interpretation – it is a perfect set up for a gaslighter who is all too happy to assert control over the moment, or reality.  

AM: In your book, you define three categories of gaslighters; Glamour Gaslighters, who are essentially flatterers, Good Guy Gaslighters, who appear to be on our side and never disagree, then resent our actions and undermine us behind our backs, and Intimidator Gaslighters, who are belligerent. Can you describe a basic profile for each type in the workplace?
RS: The Intimidator is the easiest to spot.  They tend to be confrontational, may intimidate you with anger or emotional outbursts, even with facial expressions.  They are bullies (using power over you to move you to compliance and agreement) and they gaslight by belittling your work at the same time that they use their power or position or greater experience to put down your creativity and  your efforts and to make sure you feel unstable about yourself and fear their outbursts.  Glamour Gaslighters will praise you often and psychologically seduce you with their charm, but when they are not praising you or using praise to deflect your perception, they are just as critical and just as insistent that they see the reality of your work, your efforts, etc. Like all gaslighters, they define  what a “good” employee should do and how a “good employee” would act. Wanting the praise of the Glamour Gaslighter, you will work overtime, cancel plans, and turn your life inside out to meet expectations.  After all, it’s what any “good” architect would do. And, it feels so good to get the praise and be with your Glamour Gaslighter when he is charming, that you are willing to allow those moments to deflect your attention from the otherwise negative interactions.  The Good Guy Gaslighters seem very reasonable on the surface and are very willing to negotiate.  However, they will constantly question your work and therefore cause you to second guess yourself.  You may even feel like you successfully argued your point, but be so unsure of yourself, or just so completely exhausted,  after dealing with them that you feel lucky to have been successful. Alternatively, they will make you feel as if you are not a team player if you question their game plan.

AM: So much of your book deals with the importance of learning to trust yourself and not be drawn into other’s perceptions of your behavior.  Our profession of architecture can be outwardly collaborative, yet inwardly competitive.  How do you differentiate between honest criticism and gaslighting?
RS: Constructive criticism and feedback provides you with useful information.  Gaslighting happens when criticism is followed by a challenge of your values and beliefs.  For example, you may be accused of being arrogant, not a team player, infatuated with a particular designer or style of design, a rigid thinker.  “ You might hear a gaslighter say: C’mon, we all know you are so bought in to xxxx’s style that you will say yes to anything like it”; the gaslighter using your positive attitude towards a particular designer as a way to say that you don’t know how to critically evalute a new piece of work. Anytime emotional attacks are intended to impair your ability to think rationally about the problem at hand or issues are brought up that have nothing to do with the particular item being discussed and you begin to second guess yourself and your ability, you are being gaslighted. As you will read later, you need to learn to step out of the Gaslight Tango!

AM: Will a workplace gaslighter most likely have a single target, or will they be an equal opportunity abuser/manipulator?  Are there behaviors that might encourage gaslighting, or responses to gaslighting that might exacerbate it?
RS: Any time that you idealize a person, opportunity or company, you are vulnerable to gaslighting.  Gaslighting can’t happen if you don’t feel in need of, or worse, that your worth is tied to the gaslighter’s opinion of you.  Most workplace gaslighters have learned through successful gaslighting encounters to deal with people and negotiate their way in the world by gaslighting.  They will throw it out there and see if you respond.  If you do, then they will repeatedly engage you in a manipulative way.  However, it is important to note that if you don’t initially respond, they may keep up their strategies (after all, that is just the way they relate!)  and over time, you may become vulnerable because they – and, then eventually you too -  build up a “case” for their point of view.  All gaslighters have an indirect and inauthentic communication style.  They are highly skilled at knowing how to manipulate. Therefore, it may be useful to confront your gaslighter directly about the way they interact with you and to say that you appreciate their input, but not comments that imply something negative about who you are as a person.  And, if after considering the idea of a conversation/ or confrontation, you think it would be impossible - or you try and encounter more manipulation - think about how important it is to you to stay at this job.  Are the pros still outweighing the cons?  Are you feeling anxious or depressed more than usual? Why are you staying there?  Is your job worth your psychological well being?  Can you avoid the gaslighter? If you can’t avoid him or her and even if you choose not to leave right now, think about your larger life plan and a possible  exit strategy. Do you need to stay another two years, five years?

AM: We often seek out mentors.  Because gaslighting is so insidious, how can you tell whether your mentor has your interests at heart, or is actually gaslighting you though their advice and guidance (i.e you have a lot to overcome- it’s a good thing you have me)?
RS: The relationship that you have with a mentor is a lot like one you might have with a trusted teacher or even a therapist. You are inclined to have confidence in the mentor’s advice because they (your believe) have a commitment to your professional development and often know things about you and your life.  A good mentor will ask you questions after making an observation and leave space for your thinking.  A good mentor gives you feedback in a way that is useful and can be "worked on" – and, after which you feel you know more about how to move forward and you feel empowered.   A gaslighter will put you down, undermining your sense of self and confidence. You will leave a feedback moment or session with a gaslighter feeling “less than”, depressed, confused and often going over and over the conversation.

AM: You state that a big part of gaslighting is related to a power struggle.  Learning to recognize when a conversation is not about the stated topic but about domination and judgement is key to avoiding gaslighting attempts.  Unfortunately, in a work environment, the power struggle bleeds out into how others in the office perceive us. What is your advice for working on a team project with a gaslighter?  Are there ways to create rules of engagement to minimize their gaslighting?
RS: It takes a lot of strength- a lot of checking in with yourself.  Do your best not to respond to the drama, and commit to avoid becoming emotional.  Instead, learn to recognize the power struggle (ie: you are going over and over the same thing, you feel challenged and defensive rather than listened to and understood) and simply state that you respectfully disagree.  One way to check yourself and get more information is to seek another opinion about what the gaslighter is saying about you; do others see the same thing?  Take in the information, sift through it and identify what is useful – if anything – to empower yourself to make a change if you want to. When you have to work with a gaslighter as part of a team effort, understand what kind of control you will have and how to limit your interactions with the gaslighter.   

AM: As architects, we tend to be overachieving workaholics.  How do you know the difference between manipulative flattery and a boss who genuinely appreciates your efforts and wants to praise and reward staff, but may have to call on them to rise to an occasion?
RS: Any time you are not sure if you are being manipulated or genuinely asked to do something because of your expertise, you need to step away from the situation to check in with yourself. In this example, if you are asked to work late, but, in doing so, you are going to have to cancel an long time plan (important commitment, vacation, etc.)  tell your boss you will think about it and give yourself some time to mull it over. Maybe it is a culture where you can’t say no to a request like that. If so, maybe that is not the place for you long term.  If you can say no, but, feel caught up in the flattery of having been asked, use the time away from the moment to check in about how important your previous commitment is – then, if you chose your first commitment, feel free to thank him/her for the praise and say no if working late will cause you to have to make other sacrifices in your life. If your boss tells you are really needed or you are the only one for the job, you may even let him/her know how much you appreciate the praise, but if you are challenged by a questioning of your commitment or work ethic,  state calmly (this is difficult but important!)  that you don’t agree, the reason you are refusing is that you just can’t work late in this instance is a previous commitment.  Be clear about your boundaries and don’t let your gaslighter misuse his “analysis” of your personality traits to draw you into an irrelevant discussion.  For example, you could say, “You may not be aware of it, but I am working very hard on this project – I will be happy to show you what I have been dong. Implying that I am not staying late because I am too anxious about saying no to dinner with my husband has nothing to do with my work.

AM: In your book, you discuss ways that we become drawn into gaslighting.  One way is by wanting to defend our selves against an attack,  something you call the “gaslight tango.”  Another way is through the “urge to merge”; to be “with” another in their perceptions and thinking – even at the expense of allowing someone else to define us and determine our self worth. Can you elaborate a bit on how these techniques might be used in the workplace?
RS: The urge to merge comes from our deep desire to be connected.  This can lead to taking on other viewpoints because we want to be aligned, and be seen as being aligned, with a person or company we admire. The urge to merge propels us in the direction of taking on another’s point of view – and, as you rightly stated, even at the expense of our sense of self. When confronted with gaslighting, we succumb out of a desire to have things work out and to align ourselves with the other. The gaslight tango occurs when you respond emotionally and question yourself instead of either challenging what was said or offering another solution.  Whether at the workplace or home, it is important to remember that you need never to allow someone else to put you down, to use your sensitivity or creativity as a way to make you wrong, or shame you into seeing his or her way.

AM: I love your term “emotional apocalypse!”  What kinds of emotional apocalypses can we expect in the workplace (aside from the threat of being fired)?  I struggle with the way professionalism can be defined, discouraging employees to speak their mind or take a stand or in fact display any emotion or passion.  This makes us especially vulnerable to an emotional apocalypse where we can be accused of being too aggressive, arrogant or emotional.  We can be told things that we can’t really verify like that others don’t want to work with us or that a client has complained about us.
RS: The gaslighter uses the emotional apocalypse, or threat of it, when you have resisted attempts to be drawn into his or her reality.  Emotional apocalypse can be a very personal thing – for some people  the threat of being rejected may be an apocalypse – for others there are other apocalypses. In the workplace, an apocalypse can include being ostracized or isolated from groups of co-workers or good  projects, having your work minimized or made fun of, not being invited to key meetings, assigned to insignificant roles on a project, being told you are not as good as you think you are. The key to being able to assert yourself in the workplace is to understand that the respect we seek from others starts with self respect.  When you respect yourself, you can assert your point of view while avoiding drama.  I recommend having a list of phrases that you can use whenever you sense escalation in the power struggle.  Saying things like “I need a minute to get my thoughts together,” or “I am uncomfortable continuing this conversation -  and I will get back to you about the project,” will allow you to exit the situation and avoid, for example,  the emotional apocalypse of humiliation.

Dr. Stern emphasizes that we need to preserve our self image and honor the creative part of ourselves.  “Gaslighting stops the creative process and makes us afraid to make mistakes.  Creativity is your voice, it’s the ability you have to interpret the world and see things in a new way.”  So how do we guard against being gaslighted?  “I use the term checking with your flight attendants to describe the process of checking in with yourself and the world around you,” says Dr. Stern.  “Whenever you feel that things aren’t right, look at other things unfolding around you, the emotional state of your co-workers, talk to other people you trust and listen to what they have to say about the situation. It’s important to do a reality check when you feel things aren’t right. To be sure, when people give you feedback on your work, it is NOT always gaslighting!!  Sometimes it important commentary that you need to pay attention to.  Constructive criticism may be very fair, and you may in fact, need to take another look at your work, or the situation at hand, but gaslighting is never fair.  You need to learn to evaluate each situation from an unemotional point of view, respecting your feelings but sifting through the information coming in to see if it is accurate and useful – as opposed to manipulation.” 

According to Dr. Stern, many of us inadvertently engage in gaslighting at times, motivated by frustration when we can’t get others to go along with what we believe is right or what we want.  It is easy to resort to emotional manipulation when we can’t get what we want any other way.  Gaslighters however, routinely engage with others in this way, with the intention, conscious or not, to destabilize them and leave them unsure of their reality -- gaslighters create a truly toxic environment for others.  Dealing with them effectively requires us to know ourselves and preserve our sense of reality. “We must be aware of and responsible for our part in  maintaining relationships --  that includes being responsible for our communications, with others  --- you can’t go wrong taking the ‘high road’ – and,  being firm and kind” says Dr. Stern.  “And, you never have to swallow your integrity.”

Robin Stern is an author, educator and a psychoanalyst in private practice in New York City